By: Christina Trinidad, SA/AS Support Group leader at NAMI Racine County

**Trigger warning: Child abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse/assault**

The beginning…

I remember standing across from my brother, Johnny (who is two years younger than me), with soap in our mouths. If you were to ask me why, I couldn’t tell you. I was only six years old then. At the time, we were living in Germany. My father was in the Army and stationed there. This is when the physical abuse started from my father.

When I was 11 or 12, we lived in this old country house in Michigan. My brother and my bedroom was one big room split by closets. We had gotten these nightlights as a gift and wanted to use them, so we did. My father returned from getting cigarettes one night and woke us up. We had to stand in the corner all night it was time to get ready for school. During the night, my father caught me watching TV. He slammed my head into the wooden doorway. There was blood everywhere—my shirt, my face, on the floor, and my foot. This was all from having our nightlights on.

Right before my 13th birthday, my father wanted to show me things. Of course, him being my father, I trusted him. That was the first time I was shown what sex was; my father made me watch porn. Things escalated from there—inappropriate touching, sexual acts, orally and physically—things I should have never endured.

At 15, he raped me. I’ll never forget that day and everything that happened before and after. The thing I won’t forget the most is his words, “It won’t happen again. I’m sorry,” and “No one will understand, so you can’t tell anyone.” For the rest of my life, I knew I could never trust the man I called a father—a man you are supposed to be able to go to for everything and trust in to give you a better life.

From age 13 until a month before my 17th birthday, my father sexually groomed me, raped me, and molested me in ways I should, never have endured. And his words, “I’m sorry,” constantly repeated.

School was my getaway from the abuse I endured at home, but even that was constant pain for me. My friends would be enjoying their family vacations, go out with friends, or even have parties, while I wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone or leave the house without my father being there. My life seemed like a nightmare—going home to be abused mentally, sexually, and physically.

The hardest part of it all was not being able to tell anyone because I was afraid of my father, the guilt of taking my father away from my family, and the shame of what was happening to me.

Speaking up….

My brother, Johnny, had suspicions about my father and what was going on. He is the one who helped push me to tell and speak up about what was happening. He stood by my side and held my hand all while we went and told my grandmother.

I was crying and barely getting the words out, but on January 15th, 2006, I was free—free from the burden of having to endure the nightmare I was constantly living.

I was free to find myself.

My mental health…

After I came out about the abuse, I always felt guilty about taking my father away from my family. I felt the stress of not having the courage to tell sooner and not having to endure so much pain for so long. I felt the loneliness of going through all my thoughts and emotions by myself because no one understands. And then, depression and anxiety kicked in from feeling everything at once, confusion, guilt, loneliness, pain, anger, sadness, basically every feeling you can think of. I felt it all at once. 

For years I struggled with healing, forgiving, understanding myself and my pain, and letting go of the guilt. It was not until one day when I was coming home from doing some grocery shopping with my two daughters when I realized that all that I had endured from my father was not my fault. I am not to blame—I was NEVER to blame—and I can’t keep letting this man, who was supposed to protect me, control me and take away from my life. I thought: I am a mom now. I have two beautiful girls who depend on me. I must muster up the strength, move forward, find a good way to heal, and forgive myself and my father.

How I heal…

Because of all of this, I have made many mistakes in my life that I used to think I wanted to take back. I became a mom at 18, all while I was going through my mental health struggles. I was unhealthy, struggling with relationships, pushing family away… anything and everything. I’ve learned from my mistakes, but then I made more, and it took me longer to learn from those, but I always went back for help through counseling, talking to friends and family, and finding my relaxing points to help me calm my thoughts.

It took years of counseling, healing, strength, inner power and struggles, to finally say, “I am no longer a victim. I am a SURVIVOR!”

Today, I am 34 years old and a mother of four beautiful children: ages 15, 12, 6, and 2. I found a man I can trust, who empowers me, and I can spend my life with, Felipe. I have found my life, myself, and my strength. I am currently getting my bachelor’s degree in human services to become a counselor, then going back master’s degree.

I’m still pushing forward, as always, even through my most challenging days, because I knew that there were always better days coming.

Helping others…

My passion now is to help those who feel as if they have no one to help them. I challenge myself every day to give support to those of sexual or child abuse because, for me, everything little bit of help can go a long way.

To feel alone and not find someone to understand you was one of the hardest struggles for me, so I want to prevent that for someone else. Knowing that you are not alone and that you are not the only one who has the same feelings and thoughts makes an even more significant difference. Having someone to talk to and understand you and your mind helps a great deal in the healing process. Even to this day, 17 years later, I heal better talking about my story, having the courage to help others understand me, or being able to talk to other survivors.

“You’re not meant to do what’s easy; you’re meant to challenge yourself.”

I think of that quote from Justin Timberlake and every day, I challenge myself to feel more confident and courageous by telling my story. I become more powerful within myself by helping myself heal, and by helping others heal as well.

If you are have experienced sexual assault and/or abuse and have a mental health condition, consider peer support as an option. www.namiracinecounty.org/support

Additional local resources including therapy services can be found at BeLEAF Survivors.